Anxiety: Look out Me: For What? Anxiety: Look out

Anxiety. Possibly “Millennials” most common problem. It seems like everyone has it, but when you look at the people around you in the immediate vicinity of your social circle or family, nobody understands.

I have been shy for as long as I can remember. When I was four, I would hide under beds when distant relatives would come over. I didn’t want to talk to or interact with anybody new. I liked having routines and spending time with the people that I knew and felt comfortable around. I still do. I didn’t start realizing that this was a problem until every SINGLE day before I was dropped off at my middle school, I would have the worst stomach aches and nausea. My mom would have to sit in the parking lot with me in the car for about ten minutes every morning before it would subside so I could walk in to class. I now realize that I was having anxiety attacks. I was never bullied, I had many friends and I did well in school (when I would show up). I just figured that it was because I ate too much breakfast or not enough. When it got to high school, it got pretty bad in ninth grade. All of the worries starting high school such as, finding all of my classes, who will I talk to in each of my classes, who will I sit with at lunch, came flooding into my head. I never had a strong grasp on self confidence until I reached the age of about 20 or 21. It is VERY hard for me to make friends with out having a friend in common to break the ice. I am a social awkward mess otherwise. I hate small talk because I never can think of anything interesting to say. College was hard because I never really made any strong friendships and didn’t join any clubs. I isolated myself to class, work then home to my boyfriend. Right now I find myself with not many strong friendships and the ones that I do have, are ones I have had for years and we just seem to be growing apart for various reasons.

Common thoughts and questions of an (this) anxiety ridden 23 year old:

  • “This person probably thinks I am the most boring human being to grace the earth”
  • “I need to act like I know everything so people don’t find out that I am stupid”
  • “I’m going to get fired today, I know it.”
  • “I cannot go anywhere alone, somebody might try to start a conversation with me”
  • “Oh no, the phone is ringing. What if the person on the other end thinks I’m incompetent?”
  • “My best friend doesn’t care that I feel depressed today, I shouldn’t text her and bother her”

Other than these thoughts I have on an every day basis, I am just ALWAYS anxious. Sometime I will find my self sitting in bed, watching Netflix and my heart rate spikes and all of sudden I feel nervous, but I have no idea why. Are all of my chores done? Will my boyfriend think I’m a lazy slob when he comes home from work because I am not doing anything? Should I call my mom? Should I call my dad? I feel bad for not responding to that Facebook message my Aunt sent me a month ago, but I really don’t want to start a conversation with her because then she will try to sell me some of her pyramid scheme products and I don’t know how to say no. Guys, I’m exhausted. Starting a job where I have to answer phone calls and be in front of customers all day has helped with my confidence in social interactions tremendously. But if I’m not “on the job”, I try to avoid most social interactions and stay home or go somewhere that doesn’t have a lot of people.

I have done a lot of self introspection and went through as many past experiences in my life as I can remember. I cannot find a catalyst for my behavior. I think it is something that I have inherited from my parents. In the past 3 years I have discovered that my mother and my brother both suffer from these same thoughts and feelings. My brother was hospitalized 3 years ago for an extreme anxiety attack. He still doesn’t talk about his anxiety a lot but I have gotten my mom to open up about it. She was surprised when I told her that I have anxiety all of the time. I try not to diagnose myself with “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” but I don’t have any other way of explaining it. It is mostly brought on by social situations but it is also just looming there all the time and can be triggered by random worries or thoughts. It is something that I am working through every day and exposing myself to more situations so I don’t limit myself.

Putting all of this out there is weird because I really don’t talk about myself that often, because I figure it’s boring and that most other people don’t want to here about it. Typing this out makes me feel better. Of course, it is all a little scatter brained and I probably didn’t say all that I wanted to say, but it feels good.

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Oops

Well, so much to sticking with this. Almost a year later and I write my second post. I have a feeling I may only write when I’m really questioning my life or feeling down. Who needs therapy? Also, I hate handwriting in a journal. So why not put it out there for the whole internet to read, right?

Since my last post, I am still working at the same place. The only positive thing is that a coworker quit back in April which opened up a “promotion” and a raise. Having a little more money is nice, but the work still sucks.

I have kind of concluded that I don’t think I want to work in a career with psychology. While I think it is VERY interesting and beneficial, I just am not passionate enough about it. I find myself thinking about how frustrating it is that I spent 4 years and close to $25,000 on a degree that I am not even going to put into use. I am learning to switch that thinking around because even though my degree was in a specific subject that I may not use in my future career, I learned so many things and skills while in college obtaining that degree, that I wouldn’t have been able to learn if I didn’t go. I learned how to be responsible and independent. I learned time management. I (sort of) learned how to budget and pay bills. I learned how to life. I didn’t have financial support from my parents. I had to take out loans and work 30 hours a week while being a full time student to earn that degree. And I am SO DANG PROUD OF IT. Yeah, I kinda wish the degree was in business or something more realistic. But, no matter what, I love my degree and I will always display it proudly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have made a step forward for my future. My boyfriend and I have had the opportunity to move back to our hometown as I have taken an offer to come back to work for my friends mom who owns a title insurance agency. I had worked there for about a year in high school before I left for college and really liked working there and the people with whom I worked with and for. There is opportunity for growth, co-owning the business and starting my own office in a few years. In the office I work in right now, there is zero room for growth.

So now am 23, have some sort of idea with what I am going to do with my life and still very nervous. I think that I will end this update post and start writing one about my anxiety. Just to separate things a little bit because I tend to get off on tangents!

Is Anybody Listening To Me?

How do you work this thing?

My name is Jesse and yes, I am a girl. I am starting this blog because I just really need to feel like a human being producing SOMETHING. I am 22 years old, I currently live in Tallahassee, Florida, and live with my high school sweetheart of 6 1/2 years. I am fresh out of college with a full time job in something that has nothing to do with what I studied.

Guess what I studied? You probably guessed it, psychology. I finished my Bachelors this past August at The Florida State University (GO NOLES!) and am struggling to figure out what the next step is. I work full time right now as a customer service rep for an insurance agency. You could say it’s less than fulfilling. I got my physical degree in the mail yesterday, and said to myself, “Now what?”. Do I pursue another degree? How long do I wait before I pursue it? How passionate am I about this subject? Is there something that will make my life more fulfilled? Typical questions from a college graduate, I know. This is just the stage in life I am at right now.

I guess I am getting ahead of myself for an “About Me” post but I guess I am just excited to be doing this.

I’ll probably being doing posts about makeup, food, travel, lifestyle…what ever I am feeling for the moment and might inspire or help other people. I might make some serious posts and others I might make superficial. I am also looking to vent some days. Insurance is boring, but the people who buy insurance most certainly are not. I definitely have some stories to tell.

Right now I am writing this during some down time at work, taking calls between sentences. Once I get home, I hope to Jazz up the page and maybe put a picture or two. We’ll see how this goes!